no-bake grasshopper pie

about a week or so ago i told the lovely heather that i would be blogging more of my massive failures for your entertainment. i went to college with heather as well as high school (sort of) with her fiance, will, so it's only right that THIS massive failure looks like something that got thrown up on st. patrick's day:


i over-beat the creamy mint pie filling. happy birthday, daddy!

in any case, i'll give you the recipe so you, too, can stupidly over-beat the filling (TWICE) and make globby mint butter (let's call it buerre de menthe-- it sounds more purposeful).

ingredients:

• 8 ounces mascarpone cheese
• 2 tbs confectioner sugar
• 1 1/4 cups heavy cream
• 1 envelope gelatin
• 1/2 cup creme de menthe syrup*
• (*1/2 cup water, 1/2 cup sugar & 1 tsp mint extract boiled for 2 minutes and then cooled)
• 1/4 cup cold water
• 1 package mint milano cookies
• 2 tbs softened butter
• 1/3 cup almond meal (or some more crushed cookies)

prep:

• (make your creme de menthe syrup)
• sprinkle gelatin powder over 1/4 cup cold water and allow to sit for 2 minutes, then nuke for 15 seconds to dissolve gelatin, allow to cool
• soften mascarpone cheese in a bowl
• cut one inch off the end of each cookie
• crush the one inch pieces and combine with butter & almond meal

• pat crumbs into the bottom of a 9" pie plate
• line sides with remaining cookies, refrigerate until needed
  

actual cooking:

• beat mascarpone cheese slightly
• add creme de methe syrup & confectioners sugar
• beat until combined (it's not pretty)
• continue beating while you add heavy cream
• beat until soft peaks form
• continue beating while you add gelatin
• beat until medium-stiff peaks form
• (try not to make chunky mint butter)
• pour into prepared pie plate and chill at least 4 hours

so, my second attempt at this recipe didn't turn out that great, either, but since it's slightly less chunky than the barfy-looking one, i dumped it in the pie plate and hoped for the best.

thing i hate about this recipe are: i used both mint & chocolate-mint cookies and ended up with 2 mint next to eat other-- i wish my pie plate's circumference was about 1/2 an inch bigger; gelatin is GROSS, in so many ways; and i completely suck at whipping cream. which is why god made WHIPPED CREAM IN A CAN.

product review: wilton white-white

so, in making nardo's cookies 'n cream cake, i tried very, very hard to evoke the general cookies 'n creaminess of cookies 'n cream without, um, getting him a carvel ice cream cake. in cookies 'n cream. if that wasn't clear.

one thing that was sort of bugging the living shit out of me was that BUTTER and VANILLA cause uncolored frosting (and cream filling) to be not-white. but a drive by at joann's with my mom a few weeks ago (okay, like a month now) saved my life. which is to say, i met wilton's white white icing color. joy. rapture.

naturally, it worked like a freaking charm. because wilton? they know what they're doing. i used a generous squirt or two (four. it might have been four.) in the cream filling/frosting and noticed no flavor change. i may or may not have licked some off my finger, too.

i worried very briefly when my mom told me that the main ingredient (titanium dioxide) is the pigment used in titanium white paint, but, again, i deferred to wilton's superior knowledge and certainty that if a dye they marketed specifically for wedding cakes was toxic, it would totally destroy their credibility. i only just now looked it up. seriously.

(it is, indeed, nontoxic.)

i used a squirt on monday when frosting the creamcicle cupcakes with a cream cheese frosting (which had butter and vanilla) just to lighten the color, not turn it completely white. i had a good experience with that, too.

what i love about white white is the possibility. specifically, the possibility of fixing screw-ups as i continue on my journey toward understanding color saturation.

creamcicle cupcakes

over the weekend i read that (seriously.) "brownies are the new cupcake." determined to prove them wrong, i whipped up a quick batch of blitz cupcakes that bill swears tasted EXACTLY like a creamcicle.

ingredients:

• 1 cup butter (softened)
• 1 3/4 cups flour
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 cup sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup plus 1 tbs milk
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 2 tsp orange extract
• 2 bricks light cream cheese
• 2 cups confectioners sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• (1 tsp "white-white")

prep:

• preheat oven to 375*

actual cooking:

• combine flour, salt, sugar & baking powder in a mixing bowl
• beat in 1/2 cup butter (VERY soft), milk & orange extract
• divide batter between 18 cupcakes
• bake for 15 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean
• beat together remaining butter & cream cheese until light
• slowly add confectioners sugar, vanilla & color if desired
• allow cupcakes to cool and then frost by filling a pastry bag with frosting and cutting the tip at about 1/2 inch wide, swirl frosting from the outside in
• garnish with orange zest if you're not running behind (i ALWAYS am)

i also baked my daddy's birthday present over the weekend: 6 kinds of shortbread. i'll post a basic recipe, the chocolate-raspberry filled recipe and the lime-rum recipe.

AND i've ordered some rose extract, orange blossom water and culinary lavender from jr mushrooms & specialties.

zucchini risotto

risotto is not as hard as everybody says it is. plus: it's totally yummy.

ingredients:

• 1 onion, coarsly chopped
• 3 tbs butter
• 3 small/medium zucchini (you can use one huge one, but smaller ones have better flavor), cubed
• 1 cup rice
• 4 cups chicken/veggie broth
• 2 cups water
• about 1/2 cup of scratch cheese (more or less to taste)
• sea salt & fresh ground pepper

prep:

• bring your water & broth to a boil (i generally heat it a cup at a time in the microwave because i like to keep the dishes to a minimum for bill)
• chop onion (i chop it coarsely, but i do everything coarsely because i am a delicate lady flower, but the recipe said finely.)
• reserve 1 tbs butter

actual cooking:

• heat 2 tbs butter in a large skillet
• saute onion until lightly browned
• add zucchini
• (salt & pepper it now for even flavoring)

• add rice and stir

• add one cup of boiling liquid
• reduce to simmer

• allow liquid to be absorbed
• repeat until all liquid is gone
• remove from heat
• add reserved butter
• add scratch cheese

we eat this for dinner about once a week. it takes longer than i like a weeknight dinner to take-- about forty-five minutes-- but is so totally worth it. i've served it as a side dish as well... but i'm pretty sure i skipped the main course in favor of it. oh! and this recipe makes a nice dinner for four or a huge dinner for two with leftovers.

lunch break: chicken salad salad

(or: why i'm willing to spend three and a half dollars on chicken in a can)

(or: we don't need no stinkin' grapes and walnuts)

(sorry, mom.)

in an effort to eat wonderful lunches that i totally love, like bill and his turkey & asiago sandwich, i'm trying new things which-- let's be honest-- has never been a strength of mine.

i actually DO love this lunch something serious and it's insanely easy.

ingredients:

• two or three stalks of celery, chopped fine
• 1 can of trader joe's canned chicken (packed in water)
• a blob of mayo (er 1/4 cup?)
• sea salt and fresh ground pepper
• a bag of spring mix

prep:

• drain & flake chicken (it's already pretty flaky, just jab at it with a fork some)
• chop celery

actual cooking (okay, "actual" is relative, here):

• combine celery, salt & pepper, chicken & mayo
• divide into 2 or 3 small containers (one cupish)

in the morning:

• toss some spring mix in an old take-out container (i like one from the olive garden-- a constant reminder that awful meals can come in nice containers) or something
• grab a contain of chicken salad

at lunchtime:

• dump chicken salad on spring mix
• do the happy chair dance at your desk

cookies 'n cream cake

it remains unclear exactly WHO gave my BABY brother permission to turn eighteen, but there is one thing we do know: there was no road test.

whilst enjoying kevin's chocolate cake with coffee frosting in june, i asked leonardo what his preference would be. "well," he said after some consideration, "i can't ask for this again, so... something cookies 'n cream."


the body of the cake is comprised of two textures-- unfortunately this part needs some tweaking, but i'll get to that-- soft white cake and brownie. the frosting was a white "cream filling" butter cream, colored with wilton "white-white" and flavored with clear vanilla artificial flavoring. a bit of granulated sugar gave it that slightly gritty texture. wilton cookies n' cream sprinkles added, ummm, more cookiness. originally, the second texture was going to be a chocolate cookie, but the logistics were fuzzy and an obligation to school and my waistline prevented me from experimenting beforehand. so i did something possibly incredibly stupid: i left one egg out of the brownie layers hoping for a crumbly, cookie-like layer. this may be what propted anna to ask, "is this... toffee?" um, crumbly? not so much. imbued with a facinating tar-like quality might be closer to the mark.

everybody liked it though, especially greg, who ate twice as much as everyone else in a fraction of the time. boy, if you ever need to feel good about something you baked, call greg.

so, moving on...

brownie layer ingredients:

• 4 ounces unsweetened chocolate
• 3/4 cups butter
• 2 cups sugar
• 2 (or 3) eggs
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1 cup flour

cake layer ingredients:

• 1/2 cup butter (softened to a mayonaise-like consistancy)
• 1 3/4 cups flour
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 cup sugar
• 1/3 cup egg whites
• 1/2 cup plus 1 tbs milk
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp vanilla flavoring

frosting ingredients:

• 3/4 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
• 4 1/2 cups confectioners sugar
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 1 1/2 tbs artificial (clear) vanilla
• liberal splash of "white-white" to preferred color
• about a tablespoon of milk

prep:

• warm everything up to room temp, or as specified
• grease 8" pans (or foil linings of said pans)
• preheat to 350*

actual cooking:

• nuke chocolate & brownie butter for 2 minutes
• stir until chocolate melts
• add sugar, eggs & vanilla
• add flour
• divide between pans
• bake for 25 minutes
• remove and cool
• preheat to 375*
• grease & flour pans
• combine dry cake ingredients
• add egg whites, vanilla, milk & butter
• beat until combined
• pour into two pans
• bake for 20 minutes
• remove and cool
• whip frosting butter until creamy
• SLOWLY add confectioner sugar
• add granulate sugar
• add vanilla flavoring & "white-white"
• add milk until desired consistancy is reached
• frost & decorate cake

happy



birthday

simba!

strawberries 'n cream, pretzel-crusted double-cake with chocolate ganache

until i met bill, i'd never heard of strawberry cake. the first time i made him a birthday cake, i asked what kinds he'd like. obviously, he answered that his grandmother used to make strawberry cake and he'd like that. (no pressure, though, right?)

i scoured the internet (okay, i googled) to no avail. when i happened to discover artificial strawberry flavor in the spice section of the grocery store, i felt like the luckiest person EVER, and made a strawberry-flavored white cake.

shortly thereafter, mimi told me to add a packet of strawberry jell-o to my cake batter and then my mother-in-law informed me that her step-mother's strawberry cake was a CAKE MIX. i know, right? i felt like a fool.

after two birthdays and four strawberry cakes, bill was ready to move on to better and more complicated cakes. enter the strawberries 'n 'cream, pretzel-crusted double-cake with chocolate ganache.

for this cake i used this cheesecake recipe, omitting the topping and replacing the graham cracker crumbs with crushed pretzels. in between layers i used strawberry jam, though really you don't NEED to fill this cake. the top layer was a strawberry blitz-cake from the joy of cooking, you could use whatever cake recipe you like with a generous splash of strawberry flavoring. the frosting was this chocolate ganache recipe (maybe doubled?). and the decorations were, obviously, mini pretzels and fresh strawberries.