no-bake grasshopper pie

about a week or so ago i told the lovely heather that i would be blogging more of my massive failures for your entertainment. i went to college with heather as well as high school (sort of) with her fiance, will, so it's only right that THIS massive failure looks like something that got thrown up on st. patrick's day:


i over-beat the creamy mint pie filling. happy birthday, daddy!

in any case, i'll give you the recipe so you, too, can stupidly over-beat the filling (TWICE) and make globby mint butter (let's call it buerre de menthe-- it sounds more purposeful).

ingredients:

• 8 ounces mascarpone cheese
• 2 tbs confectioner sugar
• 1 1/4 cups heavy cream
• 1 envelope gelatin
• 1/2 cup creme de menthe syrup*
• (*1/2 cup water, 1/2 cup sugar & 1 tsp mint extract boiled for 2 minutes and then cooled)
• 1/4 cup cold water
• 1 package mint milano cookies
• 2 tbs softened butter
• 1/3 cup almond meal (or some more crushed cookies)

prep:

• (make your creme de menthe syrup)
• sprinkle gelatin powder over 1/4 cup cold water and allow to sit for 2 minutes, then nuke for 15 seconds to dissolve gelatin, allow to cool
• soften mascarpone cheese in a bowl
• cut one inch off the end of each cookie
• crush the one inch pieces and combine with butter & almond meal

• pat crumbs into the bottom of a 9" pie plate
• line sides with remaining cookies, refrigerate until needed
  

actual cooking:

• beat mascarpone cheese slightly
• add creme de methe syrup & confectioners sugar
• beat until combined (it's not pretty)
• continue beating while you add heavy cream
• beat until soft peaks form
• continue beating while you add gelatin
• beat until medium-stiff peaks form
• (try not to make chunky mint butter)
• pour into prepared pie plate and chill at least 4 hours

so, my second attempt at this recipe didn't turn out that great, either, but since it's slightly less chunky than the barfy-looking one, i dumped it in the pie plate and hoped for the best.

thing i hate about this recipe are: i used both mint & chocolate-mint cookies and ended up with 2 mint next to eat other-- i wish my pie plate's circumference was about 1/2 an inch bigger; gelatin is GROSS, in so many ways; and i completely suck at whipping cream. which is why god made WHIPPED CREAM IN A CAN.

perfect pie crust

finally, a pie crust worth blogging.

ingredients:

• 1 cup very cold shortening or butter (or a combination)
• 2 cups flour
• 2 teaspoons salt
• ice-cold vodka (no, seriously)

prep:

• chill the fat, cubed, in the freezer for a couple hours
• chill the vodka in the freezer (the only reasonable way to store it, anyway) overnight

actual cooking:

• combine flour & salt
• add the fat and gently combine either by rubbing it between your fingers, cutting it in with two knives, a pastry blender or a food processor until the fat ranges in size from crumbs to peas
• make a well in the dry/fat mixture
• add vodka, a tablespoon at a time, fluffing together with a fork, until the mixture holds together
• shape into 2 disks and chill in the refrigerator at least 1 hour, preferably overnight
• let stand at room temperature for about 20 minutes
• gently roll out each disk on a generously floured board (preferably marble, but those suckers run about $130) to about 1/8 of an inch
• (roll one crust up in plastic wrap for freezing if you're making one custard or crumb pie)
• roll one crust around your rolling pin, move it over to your pie plate and unroll
• make sure the crust is resting in the pie plate fully, not stretched or away from corners
• trim edges so about 1/2 inch or so overlaps and tuck them under around the edge
• prick crust on sides and bottom
• chill for at least one hour
• preheat oven to 400 degrees
• crumple up a piece of parchment into a ball, now gently uncrumple it, now do the hokey-pokey...
• line the crust with the parchment and fill with dried rice and/or beans, or pie weights
• bake for 10 to 20 minute until almost baked through
• fill & cover
• bake as directed (at 375ish until brownedish, is my rule)

so, the three-day time frame isn't really ideal, but damned if this isn't the best crust i've ever made. and no, you don't get drunk. the alcohol bakes out leaving the crust flaky and perfect.

gluten-free/egg-free chocolate birthday cake (licensed character merchandise optional)

this recipe is incomplete, but i'm hoping not to have to make it again until next year, so i'll try some variations then, okay?

there's a pair of littles in my life who have some special dietary needs: no gluten for either of them, and no eggs for one. loving them as i do-- and loving kitchen experimentation as i do-- i spend lots of time thinking about how to accommodate their allergies without making them feel left out. their fourth and second birthday party was saturday and i made them this delicious, mostly-hypoallergenic cake. i've also included adjustments for dairy allergies and no allergies, just for the hell of it.

i bought some of my ingredients from amazon.com, so...

special ingredients:

• gluten-free flour blend-- i totally forget what brand i got, but next time, i'm going to try for one that doesn't smell like ass. i'm a super-smeller, though, and no one else had a problem with it. i think the ingredients are potato starch, corn starch, garbanzo beans and fava beans. the cake was originally going to be half chocolate and half vanilla, but the vanilla smelled so unappetizing that i had to make the whole thing chocolate. really, really chocolate. if dealing with a chocolate allergy, too, i'd make this cake with another STRONG flavor. like gingerbread.
• egg replacer-- i forget what the vendor for this was, too, but i suspect you can pretty easily find it in supermarkets or fancy food stores.
• gluten-free/egg-free frosting mix-- total. ripoff. you know what was in it? confectioner's sugar and vanilla flavoring. i had to add butter and milk (or margarine/butter flavored crisco & soy/rice/almond milk). just make a butter cream. it's cheaper.

ingredients:

• 3 1/4 cups flour OR flour blend
• 2 cups sugar
• 4 eggs OR 6 tbs egg replacer & 8 tbs warm water
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tbs baking powder
• 1 cup (2 sticks) butter OR margarine, softened to the consistency of mayo (butter flavored crisco might work, too, and it doesn't have any major allergens in it)
• 1/2 cup cocoa powder
• (1 tbs instant coffee powder, optional, but makes it taste chocolatyer)
• 3 ounces chocolate, chopped very fine (semisweet, unsweetened, whatever you have, just watch ingredients if you're going hypo-allergenic)
• 1 1/2 cups milk OR soy/rice/almond milk
• 1 tbs vanilla

prep:

• preheat to 375
• chop/grind chocolate
• soften butter or margarine

actual cooking:

• combine dry ingredients
• add wet ingredients
• mix it all up
• pour into greased baking pans (2 8" squares, i guess, it doesn't rise as much as you think it will)
• bake at 375 degrees until a cake tester (or toothpick, or sharp, unserrated knife) comes out clean
• cool completely before frosting

so, the issue i'm left with is HOLY CRAP was that cake dry. HOLY CRAP. next time i'm going to try adding either a can of tomato paste (no, really, this is a good idea!) or some vegetable oil/more butter. it could probably also use a bit more sugar.

i frosted mine to look like the magic carpet from disney's aladdin and decorated it with figures of the characters. it's not my favorite way to decorate, but it works.

the kids loved it and even a couple adults said it tasted like food. so i'll call it a success. next up in my allergy test-kitchen: gluten-free/egg-free gingerbread people.