pie, pie, me oh my

okay. this is the ugly truth: not everything i cook comes out perfect. there. i admitted it. most things that come out wrong the first time are great the second time. some things... are not. like pie.

apparently, i can't bake a pie to save my life. oh, yes, it's true. PIE. my nemesis. i just popped my fourth apple crumb pie in as many weeks into the oven. and it's WRONG. let's break it up into its parts, shall we?

PIE CRUST: pie crust is deceptively simple. four ingredients (flour, fat, salt, water) are gently combined, rolled out beautifully, dropped into a pie plate, decoratively edged and bake up to flaky perfection. right? right. easy enough. i can't do it. i got a pastry blender. i tried it with ice-cold shortening, butter, room temperature shortening, ice water, cool water... every possible adjustment. i've followed the recipe to the letter and i've relied on my instincts. i've conjured up memories of my mother tossing pie crust together like it was nothing and i've stared at the frozen pie crust at trader joe's wondering if anyone would notice if i used one. the same batch of crust that was a perfect base to a pretty good pumpkin pie yesterday is a total crap base to yet another apple crumb pie today. did ya catch that?? THE SAME BATCH of pie crust is acting totally different today. i don't know what to do.

APPLE FILLING: my apple fillings ranged from sticky and squashy (when i forgot to cut in the butter!) to sour and crispy (pretty much every other time!) i'm trying to find rome apples, but so far i've been stuck with granny smith's. not. working.

CRUMB TOPPING: probably impossible to get WRONG, but still never quite RIGHT. there's no definition to my crumbs. but, seriously? sugar, butter, spice, flour. it's always delicious.

my fourth attempt at apple crumb pie is smelling delicious just now, almost half an hour into baking. i think the little bastard is lying-- just taunting me with it's perfect smell so that, later, after our guests enjoy the turkey, spinach and parmesan raviolis i made FROM INGREDIENTS, then can be shocked at appalled at how very, very BAD my pie is. but at least bill won't have to eat ANOTHER mediocre apple crumb pie all by himself.